How to take cool pictures

Now I realize the whole "myspace picture" joke has been beaten to death for some years now, as are myspace jokes in general, I feel this is still relevant. Taking cool pictures used to be more straightforward. You wear skanky clothes, wear too much eye makeup, then do a smexy pose. It was all good and fun. But the times have changed. Now, people are expected to have pictures which portray themselves in a more artistic, and sophisticated way. And thus, a whole new slew of cliches have developed. And now, may I present to you...

HOW TO TAKE COOL PICTURES
1) Don't smile, or smile wistfully, and with sincerity, as if the act of photographing yourself has reminded you of the carefree and joyous days of your childhood, which brings a subtle warmness into your heart.

2) Use black and white, or black and white and one very striking, vibrant colour.

3) Try to relate yourself to other artsy things. For example, try holding a writing utensil, brush, or musical instrument, while looking pensive and focused. Wearing headphones is really cool now too. Not like earbuds, those are for plebes, but like the big retro earmuff ones.

4) Try super close-ups, obscuring parts of your face. The eyes must be included, however. Funny angles can help.

5) Make it look like it only took one take to get the right shot, instead of the fifty it actually took. Make it seem like an amateur was haphazardly taking photos with an old film camera, and this one was the one that upon development, unexpectedly turned out to be beautiful.

6) Pick only non-brand name clothing to wear in your photo. Wear a shirt with an obscure band on it. Try wearing plaid flannel shirts. The grunge fad is old enough now that it's ironically popular again. Or try a nice sweater that's maybe a little too big, or a little too snug. Make sure it doesn't look like you're trying too hard.

7) Don't spend too much time on your hair. In fact, try messing it up. Make the whole process look spontaneous and geniune.

8) Make sure your shot isn't full frontal. Profiles are good. Anything where you're not looking directly at the camera is good. Just try concentrating on the memories of a dream you once had as a kid, while staring into the distance. Pretend you don't know the camera is there.

9) It helps if you wear glasses. Squarish thick rims are best.

10) Be a douche.

On Superpowers

So I'm fairly sure I am in possession of superpowers. In fact, multiple superpowers. For starters, I'm partially immortal. I'm mostly invulnerable, for example, I will remain unharmed when subjected to, lets say, puppies, or linoleum tiles, or evenings in late Autumn. I can create life given food. I transmute oxygen into carbon dioxide via alchemy. I'm a psychokinetic. I can transform will and thought into changes in the physical world. When I so will it, I can make this fleshy, lumpy, limb thing attached to a fleshy, lumpy body, located somewhere in space move in a myriad of ways. Through a chain of events, I can even influence the physical world far beyond the grasp of my arm. For example, by forcing air through some fleshy bladders and tubes and such, I can create sonic phenomena, which can psychically be interpreted as my thoughts and will by others. I can then, by sheer force of will, cause these other bodies to carry out various tasks via psychic persuasion.

Thought is a funny thing you know? Humans have long concerned themselves with how and why people think, and the consequences of thought. But I'm really curious as to where I'm thinking. Am I thinking inside my brain, or am I thinking in some non-physically defined space which receives input through my brain, which is located where my head is, which is located where the rest of my body is, most of the time. Can we really be said to be thinking somewhere? As an entire being, where am I? Can you give me the coordinates of my being? What is my location. Where is my body, and where is my soul? Even just my physical body's location can't be pinpointed. It can be here, but it can also be there. My left index finger is on the "f" key, but my right index finger is on the "j", meanwhile, my butt remains in a chair, and my feet on the floor. They are in many places, and they are all my body. My body is in a range of places. My body is at a desk. It is in a room. It is in a building. In a neighbourhood. City. Province. Country. Planet. Hurtling zillions of kilometers and hour in who knows what direction? At any given time, I am here, I am here, I am here... At any given time? 2 seconds ago, I was a zillion kilometers away in some unknown direction. Where am I know? More like, what is my location is the average location of my body over a given time period. Or more precisely, the average location of my body as delta tee approaches zero. Then there's my thoughts. Where are they? In that brain of mine, whipping around the universe, which doesn't have a location either. Where is the universe? Is it here, or is it somewhere else? Is my soul somewhere in all of that? Probably. But maybe not.