How to take cool pictures

Now I realize the whole "myspace picture" joke has been beaten to death for some years now, as are myspace jokes in general, I feel this is still relevant. Taking cool pictures used to be more straightforward. You wear skanky clothes, wear too much eye makeup, then do a smexy pose. It was all good and fun. But the times have changed. Now, people are expected to have pictures which portray themselves in a more artistic, and sophisticated way. And thus, a whole new slew of cliches have developed. And now, may I present to you...

HOW TO TAKE COOL PICTURES
1) Don't smile, or smile wistfully, and with sincerity, as if the act of photographing yourself has reminded you of the carefree and joyous days of your childhood, which brings a subtle warmness into your heart.

2) Use black and white, or black and white and one very striking, vibrant colour.

3) Try to relate yourself to other artsy things. For example, try holding a writing utensil, brush, or musical instrument, while looking pensive and focused. Wearing headphones is really cool now too. Not like earbuds, those are for plebes, but like the big retro earmuff ones.

4) Try super close-ups, obscuring parts of your face. The eyes must be included, however. Funny angles can help.

5) Make it look like it only took one take to get the right shot, instead of the fifty it actually took. Make it seem like an amateur was haphazardly taking photos with an old film camera, and this one was the one that upon development, unexpectedly turned out to be beautiful.

6) Pick only non-brand name clothing to wear in your photo. Wear a shirt with an obscure band on it. Try wearing plaid flannel shirts. The grunge fad is old enough now that it's ironically popular again. Or try a nice sweater that's maybe a little too big, or a little too snug. Make sure it doesn't look like you're trying too hard.

7) Don't spend too much time on your hair. In fact, try messing it up. Make the whole process look spontaneous and geniune.

8) Make sure your shot isn't full frontal. Profiles are good. Anything where you're not looking directly at the camera is good. Just try concentrating on the memories of a dream you once had as a kid, while staring into the distance. Pretend you don't know the camera is there.

9) It helps if you wear glasses. Squarish thick rims are best.

10) Be a douche.